My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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