my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
