you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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