Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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