omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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