I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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