Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
