So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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