You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
