Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
