I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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