dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
