i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
