well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
