guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
