either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
BRING THE BAGELS
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
