If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
