I don't usually arrange sex via text message
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
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