My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
