No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
