These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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