i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
