bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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