My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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