I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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