Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
