he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
