This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
