I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
