I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
