Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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