I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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