I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
