how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
