My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
