This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
