1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
