He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
