Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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