remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Randomize
