Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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