when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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