and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Im part way to drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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