God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
