im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
