Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
