I just saw a hot homeless man
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
