I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
