how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
