i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
FUCK WHALES
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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