I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
