Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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