I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
